Advanced Adulting | Start Over School

GETTING OVER GHOSTING

A ROOT Cause of Ghosting.

·      Social Media | Technology | Has rendered grown ass adults incompetent and lacking the ability to have a real face to face conversation. It’s easier to HIDE & Dissapear.  

WHAT IT IS NOT

Leaving A toxic or abusive relationship or choosing to not communicate with someone because they did not respect your stated boundaries IS NOT GHOSTING.

THAT’S HEALTHY… You told them. You did not abandon them. You went no contact like a grown ass adult.

WHAT IT IS… abandoning someone, disappearing, going cold and MIA for no reason, by surprise, without warning, failing to acknowledge, recognize, or communicate…or slowly disappearing after a commitment or relationship has been established.  

NOT LIMITED TO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

• It is not limited to romantic, marriage, dating relationships.

• It can happen in friendships. Family members can ghost.

• All hurt… because trust is broken.

GHOSTING LITE…it sucks… but shouldn’t bother you much.

Because you spoke to someone or shared some texts for a week or two and they go off the grid… (though technically ghosting… and definitely rude) is not something to get worked up about. It’s rude.    

·      We get bent out of shape because we have expectations of someone, we shouldn’t expect anything from. You aren’t invested… they aren’t invested. You owe each other nothing.·     

In early stage relationships. Don’t invest – Don’t Chase – Establish Boundary & Communication

COULD YOU HAVE SEEN OR PREVENTED IT FROM HAPPENING?

Are there signs? Sometimes… pulling back. Inconsistent or unusual behavior… but WE allow for it, make apologies or we just don’t see it. BECAUSE WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO TRUST AND BELIEVE… We aren’t naturally skeptical. That doesn’t make you stupid. Don’t let someone’s crappy behavior change you, your heart, or how you see people & the world.  

WHY DOES IT HAPPEN? WHY DID THEY DO IT?

This is important because it helps you get past the “What did I do?” mindset.

They didn’t do this TO YOU because of you. They did it because of who THEY are…

They are often…

• ·      Scared

• ·      Lack the tools

• ·      Don’t know how to communicate

• ·      Don’t know how to say no or handle conflict… so they run.

• ·      Have a past / trauma

• ·      Are Narcissistic

• ·      Working their own feelings, life out and don’t know how to deal with it.

• ·      Are embarrassed and ashamed.

Bottom Line… IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY.

·      It is about THEIR WEAKNESS, their lack of maturity, respect, and ability. It’s on them so though it’s hard and hurts…

·      DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF to play small, stop living your life, going places, living in fear or anxiety of “what do I do if I see them”… Stand tall.

GETTING PAST GHOSTING IS SIMILAR TO A LOSS & THE GRIEVING PROCESS  

The 5 stages of grief and what they look life after being ghosted.

• Denial (What did I do? Was it me? I hope they’re ok.)

• Anger (Who the F… does this to someone? I’m going to give them a piece of my mind, They need to know how much they hurt me, I’ll show them, I demand an apology, I need the truth)

• Bargaining (If I had only…, What if I… Should I take them back? They said they were sorry and it won’t happen again, They were scared… I just need to talk to them)

• Depression (I’ll never find anyone like them, Did they ever love me? Where they telling the truth, do they think about me? I’m an idiot for letting this happen. Men/Women suck I’ll never let anyone in again. I wonder who they’re with… I think I’ll check social media and really mess with my head.)

• Acceptance (CLOSURE)

CLOSURE… Being ghosted leaves us with an open loop. Unfinished business. It caught us off guard and we are looking for answers. So we look to them for CLOSURE…(and call it an apology, answers, the truth, the final word)… all are bullshit and unhealthy. Because they the things that YOU are waiting on them for.

They took control away from you when they ghosted you and left you wondering WTH happened. You are continuing to give them control LONG AFTER they’re gone… by waiting.

·      To take back CONTROL… YOU have to give CLOSURE to yourself. Don’t replay things in your head or wait for them to come around.

·      Put another way… forgiveness is accepting an apology you’ll never get.

·      Closure is something you give YOURSELF.

Take care of YOU and don’t give them that precious space or time in your head or heart.

PREVENTION

Unless you want to have a wall up and be bitter and mistrusting for the rest of your life

(and that only hurts YOU and the next person who comes along)

You can NEVER prevent it… but you can “inoculate” yourself as best you can through,

·      Communicating.

·      Setting expectations

·      Explaining your history

You can’t stop a weak person from doing weak things… but YOU know you have done everything right, with love, honestly, and integrity.